Often referred to as “The War that Nobody Noticed”, the fight between the trees and humans raged for almost a millennium. As much as a tree can rage anyway.

Human historians believe there was a point before humans started living on the ground that must have seriously pissed off the trees. Though nobody really knows what specific incident occurred, fossils have been found with humans clutching primitive chainsaws having been crushed by primitive trees.

It wasn’t until trees evolved mouths, that anyone knew they were in the middle of the longest war in history. The first words ever recorded by a tree were “T-t-take a G-G-God D-D-Damn Shower!” They were heard during a Greenpeace protest to save the redwood forests.

Coincidentally the Redwood Forest is now known as the “Stupid Vulgar Forest”.

Trees haven’t evolved anything past a mouth, which keeps the war at a veritable standstill. On any clear day one can find groups of people standing at the edge of their local forests screaming obscenities at the trees, who reply with phrases such as:

“Your Mom.”
“That’s what she said.”
“I know you are but what am I?”

Landscape painters have become rich.

[update from real life]
This ones for all my stumpies out there. Showers are a privilege.

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